Continuant. Part five.

His eyes stare back at me, never to be moved again on their own. I vomit, the drink comes up and out. A sudden and needed sober, but yet an unwanted clarity. I bend down, putting my knees right into the mess I made. I shake him, to hopefully resurrect him with my violent movements alone. I yell at his lifeless body. “Where are they!? What happened!? Where are they fucker!? How could you, you fucking knew!” With every shake, god, every toss, something comes out of the hole in his head. I need vomit again, as I turn to spew whatever that was left in me I see a baseball bat. I swallow and the vile disappears. I set his body down and claw my way through the moist dirt. Further and further into the dark recesses of the barn I go. I scramble to the vacant form, the body of my Father. The two dark spots on his chest show his fate. I am crying but yet filled with rage. I want to say something important here, but I can’t muster the will to. I search the dark room with my eyes as the fire’s light dances its way across. I hear a sigh, a whimper. I leave my dead Father and move towards the sound.

My Mother struggles for air as she tries to crawl her way from me. I slide to her side and lift her into my lap. It was unnerving to hold your own mother in your arms to realize that you’re older than her. She spits blood, bringing my aimless thought to the near rational. The blood forms around her lips and teeth giving her mouth a gory appearance. I brush the hair from her face, same burnt brown as mine. I cry, she cries. I hold her as she coughs more blood. Looking up at me I do not find the love I was searching for, but fear and only that. I race through my mind for actions, for action. I jab my hand into my pocket and wrap my fingers around my device. I think of a hospital, any hospital.

My fingers clenched I open my eyes and we still sit in the barn. I try again and again to think of somewhere to go but nothing happens. “FUCK!” I yell throwing my device into the dark crevasses of the barn. I hold my Mother. I hold her as each tick of her heart winds down the time of her life. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I repeat as she bleeds out on my lap. Her body grows colder and colder. I rub her arms, tell her that I love her. I guess this is when I figure out that love isn’t a fix all, but an end all. I still grip her body as my stomach fills with rage, on how I could do this to them, they could of have had another ten years. I could have had ten years. I yearn for my device as the wind shifts bringing with it that familiar smell.

I set her body down on the soft dirt. Kissing her on the forehead again then again when there’s a tap on my shoulder with something cold and probably deadly. “No sudden movements, dear.” I pull my hands to the back of my head as I turn around. The thin lips, the smile, why the smiles? “I don’t want you to end up like the rest of them, be smart now.” Edna says as she extends her smile more. “You know, out of all the times, and the universes, I knew you would be the one that would try to save her, you’re such a sweetheart. Not like the rest of you.” She tosses a silver ball in her hand then points to the fiery pile in front of the barn. I then know what the smell was, and the grease on my lips, I was burning in that fire, but I wasn’t, but I wish I was. “So why this, why?” I ask crying. She slants her head ever so slightly then looks around her. “Well dear, look at this. I just always have to clean things up for you don’t I?” She rears her hand back when I see the pistol in her hand is my pistol. “You fucking bitc…” I try to yell. She must have hit me then because I might have been dreaming. That is, I wanted to be dreaming, but it was more of a nightmare. I see her toss the bodies into the fire, over and over. “Mistakes…” I mumble in the nightmare. Edna’s face appears above mine again, there is a flash and the nightmare just stops.

I wake up, I pop my jaw or try to. The white room is nothing but that. It appears to be made of marble, but I begin to question its existence. There’s no room for shadows as the white light pours from everywhere. I try to lift myself up but can’t, my body is heavy and unresponsive. “I’m dead.” I think over and over. I am happy with the thought, but it’s ruined when her face appears, her stark feature hang over me. “Well, look who’s a sleepy head. Good that you’re awake.” I try to curse at her, to yell, but nothing comes out, I assume she can see the anger in me. “Looks like I did a little too much there, I’ll fix that.” I hear the sound of metal tapping on stone as she continues “You’re mad at me, I know. I’ve been a bad girl, a bad, bad girl, and I’m super sorry for that. You can’t always get what you want dear. But sweetheart, with my help, we can get far more than you ever dreamed of, dear. I did all this, all of it for us.” I squeeze my eye shut, I want to believe spontaneous combustion is real. She taps me on the head. “Hey mister, I’m not done talking to you.” I open my eyes again, her eyes are right above me. “You know what, this is useless right now, I’ll try again later ok handsome.” I feel the needle stab into my vein. My arm feels cool then my eyes become heavy. I wanted to hate her more, but, but, sleeping seemed more important at the moment.